Birthing pangs

It’s been hard to stay balanced lately – feeling like a traveler who is constantly on the move… A vagabond who stumbles from one day to the next, one place to the next… Learning to deal with uncertainty, to be okay with it, to even thrive sometimes… And while I haven’t arrived, I’m beginning to get my sea-legs.

At the same time, there has been an unsettled feeling within me – I’m quicker to respond to things emotionally, more easily angered or moved to tears. I feel something is stirring within me that I’m struggling to define, put words to, understand…

So I wrestle with myself and my God. Sometimes I try to understand better, deeper. Sometimes I try and distract myself with TV, laughter, friends, books… But always, people’s stories lurk beneath the surface, disarming my defenses and finding another chink in the armor that protects and binds my too-sensitive heart. A smile, a leaf, a smell, a taste, and it all comes rushing back. And it’s too big – I can’t wrap my mind around it. I can’t wrap my heart through it. I can only grasp and stumble through the darkness… yet even stumbling, deaf, and blind, there is hope…

“…I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”

~ Rainer Maria Rilke in Letters to a Young Poet


1 Comment

Filed under hope, photos, poetry, something new

One response to “Birthing pangs

  1. wanderingellimac

    eloquently put, ben. it hits all too close to home.
    hope you are well.

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